Characters – Raffles regulars (and the Dublin Amateur Players* who keep breaking through- they have issues. All have strong Dublin brogue)
A.J. Raffles (mid 30’s) – Suave, confident & charming, clipped British public-school accent. The OG Amateur Cracksman, gentleman thief with a flair for drama, nonchalance of a poet ,cunning of a thief. Quotes poetry & cricket stats in equal measure, elegantly dressed
(ALSO is , Flann O Cobbler , most experienced actor of the DAP *, suspicious of Brien’s intentions regarding his girlfriend Shelia, see below)
Harry “Bunny” Manders (mid 30s) – Loyal, naive, the ideal comic foil and narrator, British public-school accent ,devoted companion, eager to please but perpetually nervous.
(ALSO is , Brian O Brien , covets Sheila, resents Flann’s overacting , far better actor than Flann)
Inspector Mackenzie (50’s) – Scottish, dogged, gruff, secretly admires Raffles – permanently outwitted Scotland Yard man. Ripe for parody, likes a drink.
(ALSO is , Jack Porter , the DAP veteran, once leading man, likes a drink therefore v forgetful)
Lady Hullabaloo: Widow, eligible, buxom, attractive Hyde Park society hostess / magnet of “ a certain age”. Has more diamonds than common sense. Owner of the Hyderabad diamond ( as big as a baby’s fist ) Vain and theatrical ,bowls a mean googly.
(ALSO, Sheila O Shaunessy , partner of Flann, vivacious , quite fancies Jack on the sly)
Three / Four – party extras at the Ball
Scene 1: Raffles’ Rooms at the Albany – Evening
A warm, bookish sitting room. A cricket bat leans against a sideboard. Victorian gramophone blares out incongruous 80s techno music , slightly too loud. RAFFLES/FLANN sits facing the audience , idly vaping , looking into middle distance , tapping foot, sips cheap can of lager.
BUNNY/ BRIAN enters breathlessly, holding a newspaper. Proceeds to front of stage to address audience. Stops short and glares murderously at Raffles. Walks to gramophone, turns dial ,techno replaced by gentle Victorian classic. Roughly takes lager and vape from R relacing with glass of wine and Sullivan from pocket – mimes lighting it for him, straightens his collar, normality resumes. Raffles smile roguishly at audience and winks.
BUNNY: Centre stage, addresses the audience as Brian , beautiful lilting actor’s Dublin brogue, confident, smiling, very un-Bunny like…
Hello one and all and welcome to our wee rehearsal, apology due for breaking through your wall ,as it were, but just wishing you a grand time tonight…I’ll be doing me best to make this thing fly…though talent can’t be forced and the others will be chewing the old scenery like they’ve been on a fierce diet now…(glares at Raffles)…and to think that Sheila chooses him over a fine buck like me…you’ll see her later as Lady H… Oh well…the play’s the thing…mmm?
Snaps back to BUNNY…
We’re in The Times again, Raffles ! “Daring Theft at the Glanville Hall — Jewels Vanish in Full View!” And I quote: “No sign of forced entry. The thief must be an artist.”
RAFFLES (sipping):
At last, they acknowledge my batting. Capital ! …was like bowling to an injured foe … my friend, like taking sweets from a…like jumping into a cool lake on a hot Italian foray with a girl on each arm…
BUNNY:
Yes, yes Raffles but this has to stop. You said Vienna was the last!
RAFFLES (rising):
So I did. But what can I say? London’s full of tempting trinkets and tragically inattentive hosts.
BUNNY:
You’ll get us caught!
RAFFLES (smiling):
Not tonight. I’ve got one final masterpiece in mind. The Hyderabad Diamond.
BUNNY:
Oh no.
RAFFLES:
Oh yes. It’s vulgar, oversized, and sitting in Lady Hullabaloo’s dressing room right now. One last perfect crime, Bunny — and then we retire.
BUNNY (groaning):
Why don’t I believe you? Aside sotto voice …what an insufferable eejit !
(Lights fade.)
Scene 2: Lady Hullabaloo’s Ball
Setting: A lavish Edwardian drawing room (suggested through lighting, music, a drinks table, a decorative fan or two, and perhaps a candelabra). Loud laughter and piano music can be heard faintly offstage. The sense is of wealth, wine, and idle gossip.
[Lights up. BUNNY and RAFFLES are centre stage, dressed in tuxedos. They each hold a glass of champagne but are arguing fiercely about something unaware of audience , begin pointing fingers in each other’s chests. Snap back into character -Bunny fidgets. Raffles seems completely at ease.]
BUNNY (nervously surveying the room):
I don’t like it, Raffles. Something’s off. There are far too many monocles in this room. That chap over there’s wearing two.
RAFFLES (smiling):
That’s Lord Brampton. One for each eye and none for his brain. Relax, Bunny. Tonight, we are Sir Algernon Smythe and the Honourable Percy Ditchwater. Friends of the harpist. We belong.
BUNNY (lowering his voice):
You’ve cased the route?
RAFFLES (sips champagne):
Drawing room, up the side stairs, past the Florentine bust — third door on the left. LadyHullabaloo’s dressing room. The emerald is in a safe shaped like a dog.
BUNNY (baffled):
A dog? Thought it was as big as a baby’s fist? –wistfully – Would love to be draped across that bed…waiting for her to arrive…slightly undressed…
RAFFLES: (Stands on his foot…deliberately)
BUNNY: Jayus , Mary and Joseph …you nearly broke me…
RAFFLES: ( interrupts quickly…)A bronze pug. Hideous creature. Still, he guards twenty thousand pounds’ worth of gemstone. And, if I’m not mistaken…
[Enter LADY , fanning herself, centre stage. She’s theatrical, slightly tipsy, and prone to melodrama.]
LADY Hullabaloo:
Darling guests! Do drink more — or at least pretend you like the cello. That boy’s mother is watching.
[She glides past, stopping abruptly when she sees Raffles.]
LADY HULLABALOO (flirtatiously):
My word. Have we met?
RAFFLES (bowing slightly):
I should hope so — if not in person, then in my dreams… is unconsciously staring at her bust…smile plays on his lips…
LADY HULLABALOO (delighted):
Oh, charming, glad to see you admiring the view, you devil ! And who’s this little rabbit?
BUNNY (with effort):
Percival Ditchwater, ma’am. Huge admirer of your… pug.
LADY HULLABALOO (slightly confused):
Well. Do excuse me. I must go… powder something.
She exits grandly.
RAFFLES (whispers theatrically to Bunny):
Now’s the time. Distract the footman near the stairs.
BUNNY (panicked):
How?
RAFFLES (grinning):
Talk about your poetry. No one stays awake through your sestinas.
Bunny exits sheepishly. Raffles starts to follow but is suddenly halted by a voice behind him.]
INSPECTOR MACKENZIE (offstage, sternly):
Raffles. Burps loudly
MACKENZIE enters from the crowd, swaying slightly. Wearing a tuxedo but unmistakably a policeman. He’s amused but watchful.
RAFFLES (with a slow smile):
Inspector Mackenzie. Good heavens. Are you courting Lady Hullabaloo too?
MACKENZIE (dryly):
Hullabaloo too , Raffles? Never did like a sequel , my man! …Ha , that’s a good one Mac… Och I… though staffed by wee bairns to a man ,the Yard thought someone might attempt a little light fingerness tonight. Imagine my shock when I saw you sipping champagne.
RAFFLES:
Gentlemen must stay hydrated , my man, keep the old bat lubricated with enough linseed oil… even you too Mackenzie, eh?
MACKENZIE:
I should take you in now.
RAFFLES (lightly):
On what charge?
MACKENZIE (coldly):
Pre-emptive suspicion.
Raffles leaves room quickly, only half-concerned. Bunny returns, looking pale. Everyone freezes, all sit on floor, pull out mobile phones , check texts etc Noises off, we see then hear Raffles up in bedroom riffling through Lady H’s room…Loud cry of Raffles Howzat!!
Raffles reappears, all stand, resume scene.
BUNNY (whispering):
Raffles… the emerald… it’s gone.
RAFFLES (pretends to be startled, low voice):
Gone?
MACKENZIE (smiling):
Oh, now I have your attention.
RAFFLES (composing himself):
Well now. This is rather awkward for everyone.
He clinks his glass with Mackenzie’s.
RAFFLES:
Shall we retire to a more… private salon?
Lights fade as they walk off together. Bunny trails behind, muttering to himself.
BUNNY (to the heavens):
Why do I never get to powder anything?
[Blackout.]
Scene 3: The Holding Room / Interrogation
A stark contrast to the lavish ball. A cold room lit by a single theatrical lamp. There’s a battered desk, one chair, and a faint smell of damp tweed. RAFFLES lounges against the wall. BUNNY sits stiffly on the chair. MACKENZIE stands with arms folded, like a disappointed uncle at a wake.
MACKENZIE (pacing):
Let’s not pretend, Raffles. You were upstairs. You had means, motive, and the moral compass of a mayfly in a gin bath.
RAFFLES (yawning):
And yet, no diamond. No witnesses. No fingerprints. Just your usual charm and conjecture, Mackenzie. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you wanted me to be guilty.
MACKENZIE (smirking):
Och, don’t flatter yourself. You’re a parasite with cufflinks. But this time, I’ve got you.
BUNNY (tentatively):
Would now be a bad time to mention I have no idea what a mayfly is?
RAFFLES:
It lives for twenty-four hours. Like most of your relationships.
BUNNY:
Right. Charming.
MACKENZIE (to Bunny):
And you — the devoted Boswell. The poetry-spouting sidekick. Tell me, what’s it like being his alibi on legs?
BUNNY (smiling weakly):
Mostly damp. And morally confusing.
MACKENZIE:
Where’s the diamond ?
RAFFLES:
Which diamond?
MACKENZIE:
Don’t play coy. You were seen coming down from Lady Hullabaloo’s chamber.
RAFFLES:
Was I? How very libellous of you. And besides, it seems the real crime is that someone got there before me. Now that must sting.
MACKENZIE (advancing):
I know it was you, Raffles. And when I find that diamond — and I will — your days of swanning about in cravats and larceny will be over.
RAFFLES (lightly):
You’re starting to sound like a jilted lover, Mackenzie. Tell me — did Lady Hullabaloo ever return your glove?
MACKENZIE (growling):
Enough! Turn out your pockets.
RAFFLES (stretching):
Gladly.
He does so with theatrical flair. Pocket square, watch chain, cricket ball, a small rubber duck. No emerald.
BUNNY (confused):
When did you get that?
RAFFLES (whispers):
Bath gift set. Terrible Christmas.
MACKENZIE turns to Bunny suspiciously.
MACKENZIE:
And you?
BUNNY (rising nervously):
Well… you see… I have some Werther’s Originals… and a poem about swans…
He begins fumbling in his pockets — while RAFFLES, with sleight of hand and a raised eyebrow to the audience, slips something glinting into Mackenzie’s coat pocket.
RAFFLES:
Look, Mackenzie, let’s say for argument’s sake that someone did steal it. Wouldn’t the more elegant question be… who benefits?
MACKENZIE (blinking):
I benefit when you’re behind bars.
RAFFLES (coolly):
But what if I told you that Lady Hullabaloo’s rival — a certain Countess with a rather extensive insurance policy — was seen leaving early… and had access to the upstairs corridor?
MACKENZIE (snorts):
You’ve nothing but smoke and banter.
RAFFLES:
Two things I wield quite well.
MACKENZIE:
I should hold you both overnight.
RAFFLES:
Do. But when the actual thief’s on a boat to Belgium, with your paperwork still drying on the radiator, you’ll have to explain why you were interrogating a poet and a sportsman.
RAFFLES stands. MACKENZIE eyes him suspiciously. BUNNY awkwardly holds up a Werther’s.
MACKENZIE (reluctantly):
Fine. Get out. But I’ll have eyes on you. Both of you.
RAFFLES:
Delighted to hear it. You really must meet my tailor.
They move to leave. As they do, MACKENZIE pats his coat absently — and freezes as he feels something.
MACKENZIE (pulls out diamond in disbelief):
What the—?!
BUNNY (turning back, oblivious):
Oh — Mackenzie! I think you dropped your paperweight!
RAFFLES grabs BUNNY and ushers him out quickly. MACKENZIE stares after them in growing horror.
MACKENZIE (to himself):
Och, not again.
Blackout.
Scene 4: Back at the Albany – Later That Night
RAFFLES opens a bottle. BUNNY slumps into a chair.
BUNNY:
You said that was the last one.
RAFFLES (pouring wine):
And it was. Perfect, wasn’t it?
BUNNY:
You planted the emerald on a policeman.
RAFFLES (toasting):
He’ll find a way to return it anonymously. Saves us the trouble.
There’s a knock. A note is slipped under the door. RAFFLES opens it and reads silently.
BUNNY (nervous):
What is it?
RAFFLES (smiling slowly):
Venice. A masquerade. And a certain sapphire with a history.
BUNNY (groaning):
I’m buying a passport.
RAFFLES (raising glass):
To retirement — and its inevitable delay.
BUNNY (to audience):
God help me, I adore him.
(They clink glasses. Lights fade.)
END