Wellbeing Hack no 1

Self Esteem and Assertiveness

In a previous life , I was a hypnotherapist. The work was rewarding, challenging and pretty tiring too. Can you imagine talking in a soothing and constructive way for hours on end to clients of all ages and with various issues? Well, it was not easy , especially for one with a non-medical / psychological background but I like to think that I had an 80% success record. I helped clients with phobias, stopping smoking and anxiety issues and I can say with total certainty that those who benefited the most were clients who…

A/ Fully believed that hypnotherapy or using hypnosis to work with the unconscious mind to resolve psychological issues, was a viable tool.

B/ Focused on one issue or goal at a time i.e. curbing gambling issues, reducing pain or the influence of phobias instead of using it as a kind of mental catch all ( largely covered by another talking cure , psychotherapy).

To my shame, some of the problems presented to me seemed baffling and trivial – a strong and tough electrician presented to me once with stress brought on by a teenager rebelling against his authority – I wrongly thought that he maybe could just “man up” and deal with it with more sanctions etc Perhaps that is why I don’t do it anymore! All of this is a preamble to my WB hack for today which is …

1/ Have a self-esteem audit

2/ Use some assertive strategies to overcome these… we all feel down , under-appreciated at times , out of our depth at times so I hope to help you today, even if you take only one little thing away, I will be very happy.

Poor or low self-esteem is a problem for a lot of us and is the root cause of many of our emotional problems. It is about how we value ourselves and is to do with being. Self-confidence relates to doing and how we behave. Of course , our early years and the genes that we inherit are influential – yet my message and wish to you today is to realise that …our personalities are NOT set in stone and with commitment and work people can and do change!

There are 6 foundation stones to good self-esteem , described in a book called The Six  Pillars of Self Esteem by N Bandon. As you read thorough them , think about how many resonate with you and what do you think of some of the strategies to deal with them? As the title suggests , we will focus on being assertive- the others are for future hacks! 

1/ Live in the Present- avoid fixating on the past or anxiously worrying about the future. Learning mindfulness / mediation is very useful here. Step away from thoughts and feelings , not getting swamped by them.

2/ Practice self – responsibility  – realise that we own our emotions, thoughts and actions. WE cannot control those of other people.

3/ Have personal integrity– be true to what you believe in and trust your own intuition i.e. gut feelings. Don’t act against your values and work with them in mind. 

4/ Have a purpose– practically have and follow short term goals and , more philosophically, develop and explore the question of why we exist and our place / purpose in the world.

5/ Accept yourself-perhaps the most important when you think about it. Accept and acknowledge all parts of yourself, good and bad. Believe and know that NO ONE is perfect but that we can all seek to improve ourselves. Sometimes failure teaches us a lot and the bookstores are full of biographies of entrepreneurs who have got rich but made a lot of mistakes along the way.

6/ Be assertive– people with good self-esteem show this in spades. Not with aggression but by realising that we all have needs and by accepting that we have needs too. Of course , we all fear confrontation and unpleasantness ( how British!) but this can prevent meaningful communication with those we care about or who influence us.

How can you be more assertive then , even if it is not “in your character”? Try these few communications tips:

a/ Say “ I feel…” own your feelings.

What do you want to happen , how can they help you? Are you angry, sad, frustrated. Be respectful in your tone / request and you will get this back.

b/ Say “ I would like you to…” describe your desired action.

 A “no” answer has to be better than never finding out and not putting over your feelings.

c/ Say “ And that would help me feel…” describe how that would help you.

 If you are struggling remember to practice before the exchange. It will help a lot.